“One of the things that worries me in my relationship is the non-reciprocity of the apology after an argument,” explains Filippine, 63 years old. .
The function of apologies
Inevitably, in a classic couple, disagreements, outbursts and conflicts arise. A distance followed. “Returning to the other takes time and can be energy-consuming,” explains Emmanuel Ballet de Coquereaumont, psychotherapist and author of I stop feeling bad in my relationship (Eyerolls). Apologies allow us to return to the approach state as soon as possible. “Obviously, it promotes reconciliation. “The sooner each person takes responsibility, the sooner the couple finds themselves once again in what unites them, instead of what divides them, continues the psychotherapist. An American study has shown that not rejecting an approach attempt by the other person contributes to the good functioning of couples.
Under certain conditions: sincerity
It’s not enough to just whisper sickly “I’m sorry” to move on. The first ingredient is obviously sincerity, without which apologies have no value. “When it does not exist, it is often because the couple has entered into a power struggle where the challenge of the confrontation is to try to convince the other and to stick to their position”, points out Emmanuel Ballet de Coquereaumont. If one or all remain in their “I’m right, you’re wrong”, the apology has not played its role of appeasement and approach.
and listening to others
Another essential ingredient is knowing how to listen to others, especially when our words or our actions offend them. “The first responsibility of anyone who has suffered an offense is to say: “I am hurt. What you did made me suffer. “believes the psychotherapist. It is up to him to express what he felt and to defend himself. This will encourage the other to recognize that he has been hurt. He behaved, that he did wrong. This is the condition sine qua non, when the offense is high, because the apology is not a filler that hides a deep unresolved tension.
What if the other does not know how to ask for forgiveness?
This is not a good sign, believes Emmanuel Ballet de Coquere aumont: “The apology is the first element to show that we are in the relationship, that we assume at least some responsibility in the relationship with the other This means being aware that their behavior has an impact, whether it is fair or not, with or without intention If the other person suffers, it is completely normal to ask for forgiveness, it implies that the other never takes responsibility for his interaction This is a fundamental problem that can be a sign of a very dysfunctional person in terms of the bond.